I see you went to see the Cherry Blossoms in DC for a staycation. And seeing as you live only 50 miles away from there its not a problem to travel.  Your parents who live two hours away from you would have loved to have been there with you and your kids too I would think. Family does that, want to stay together ... or so I thought.

  See I live between you and DC, I have for a number of years. I cant be more than a half hour drive. Granted the logistics, the kids, okay there's that ....

But you dont write either .... How can I -not- look at this as, well my being non-existant to you ... if it helps, your not the only one ... looking back at our family I see a long history of dysfunction. I'm learning that word the more I think about them .. us.

connections

                                                              Tom Fleming
                                   http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/list.pl?gallery=15227

  Moving away from home and being out on my own has made me realize I've cut many connections with others.  recently I've tried to create new connections, friendships, memories.  I had an idea for a simple exerciser and needed help making a prototype, since I dont have my garage.  I asked a friend and my son to take it up with me. I sent pictures and described it to them. They accepted the challenge with little enthusiasm and went on theier way.  My inquiries were always "sorry, very busy", "next weekend" ... Another attempt I became more assertive and had them help me do interviews for a future podcast. while they did help, after the event they seemed to disappear, giving the same responses when asked to help complete the project.  Thinking I was going about it all wrong I inquired what they were up to. Which they were glad to share.  I told them I wanted to help and would be ready for whatever assistance they might need.

The promised requests never materialized.

  The bottom line is that while they are very friendly to me and we seem to have fun when we're together,

                                        ..... I'm not some one they want to reach out to.

  I would love to find out where I fail as a friend, but honestly, how do you bring that up in a conversation. And where would such a conversation lead ?  I would truly love to say that this was only with a few, but truthfully, this has been a common occurrence in my life.

  Had I known when I was a little boy,
 in a crowded house with brother and sisters who liked to tease,
that that wish to be left alone would come true ...

   I'd have wished for a friend

Your my hero

Your my hero
thats the message id want to get across to her. How she taught me the advantages and pitfalls of romance. How she's a part of my life i cherish.
I dont want to cause her family any trouble, to be a threat to her family.
I still wish, have always wished her to be happy ... How can i ever tell?
i dont like to think her children control her, she tells me they dont so ill let that be. ... Tho i'm no fan of people trying to control others.

rut

Where to begin?
Im in a rut
i want to reach out but im held back
to make new friends i distance myself to old ones,
While they seem to have no problem in doing this
i dont want to let them go, as though i value them
and they dont value me.
I see this in strangers as well how easy it is to cut in front of me, crowd me out of the doorway, take more space on a bench
as tho im not there
i dont matter
in my youth as a boy scout it was taught that we should leave a place as we found it, or better.
in my later years i find that this means there will be no evidence of my being here at all
... The day after my death will be ... like any other

CreepyMe

CreepyMe
Kids to me are amazing. In high school i was taught that batteries were a form of potential energy, it could do or be anything from lightning to art. I see children as that potential greatness. And from my own experience i know that they arent even aware it. Sure they know that someday they'll have to get a job and maybe start a family. But thats the narrow view of a child, old fo-lks know theres more then that, they have the p'otential to rock the world.
So when i see a child i smile, and think 'you dont know how fantastic you are right now, .... but i do, ive been there'
And it makes me feel hurt that so many around me dont, they avert thier eyes or worse, not react when a child meets thiers. But i do, and that must make me look very odd, ... Peculiar, .... Creepy.

update

update
been awhile hasnt it? If you were a friend youd have given up on me as well. But as a tombstone/suicide note your perfect. Life has been full of ups and downs lately. Work is improving but still frustrating. We had a blast with the older kids for spring break. Health wise I find i'm tired more often, there hasnt been any sign of blood now for weeks and i need to continue persuing my teeth. Hmmm still miss many tho, and now that wramc is behind me, i have more to miss. Yes, up and down ....

Music

Music
ive been toying with the idea of making up up playlist for my funeral. Morbid i know, but i dont want to burden people with the task. I figure if i can get into this small portion of it i can have my entire ceremony worked out by the time i snuff it !
I'm also considering taking advantage of gmails delayed send option. Mayhaps i could write letters to people spilling my guts finaly nad have them receive it after my death .... Mail from a dead guy , even more .. Morbid.