rut

Where to begin?
Im in a rut
i want to reach out but im held back
to make new friends i distance myself to old ones,
While they seem to have no problem in doing this
i dont want to let them go, as though i value them
and they dont value me.
I see this in strangers as well how easy it is to cut in front of me, crowd me out of the doorway, take more space on a bench
as tho im not there
i dont matter
in my youth as a boy scout it was taught that we should leave a place as we found it, or better.
in my later years i find that this means there will be no evidence of my being here at all
... The day after my death will be ... like any other